Customer in bookstore: "Excuse me, where's the self-help section?"
Sales clerk: "If I told you, wouldn't that defeat its purpose?"
A Manhattan lawyer was driving his new Jaguar down the street. He parked it and opened the door to get out, but a taxi suddenly drove by and ripped the door off. The irate attorney reported this to a nearby police officer, who had seen the whole thing.
"You lawyers are so materialistic," scoffed the cop. "You probably didn't even notice that your arm was torn off as well."
The attorney looked down at the stump that was once his arm. "Oh, my God!" he shouted. "My Rolex is gone!"
Definition of an intellectual: someone who can listen to The William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
Scrawled across the wall of a women's restroom: I have a wooden leg. Underneath that: So what? I have a cedar chest.
Passengers on a flight to the Caribbean had settled in and waited for takeoff, but nothing happened. Ten minutes, then twenty minutes passed, and the passengers were left to look around at one another in confusion.
Finally, a flight attendant's voice came over the loudspeaker: "We're sorry for the delay, ladies and gentlemen. The machine that automatically beats up your luggage then tears off the handles is broken, so we're having to do it manually. Please be patient. We should be finished and on our way shortly."
Jury foreperson to court: "On the count of grand theft auto, we the jury find the defendant not guilty."
Excited defendant to lawyer: "Does this mean I get to keep the car?"
Scrawled across the wall in a restroom: Everyone has a purpose in life. Underneath that: Even if only to serve as a bad example.
Jean-Paul Sartre sat in a Paris cafe one afternoon, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness, when the waitress approached.
"A cup of coffee, please," he told her. "No cream."
"I'm sorry, monsieur," said the waitress, "but we're out of cream today. Would you like your coffee with no milk instead?"
Words you don't want to hear during surgery: "Wait a second, if this is the liver, then what's this?"
Famous last words: "I wonder how the supermarket can make a profit from selling this salmon at only forty cents a can?"